I thought she would never return when she left the house and took the car. How did we get here? What did I miss? We’d just had a baby. Our daughter was healthy, happy, and clung to me. I was knee-deep in chores, ensuring all of our family’s physical needs were met.
But in doing so, I had overlooked something fundamental: my wife’s emotional well-being. I didn’t know what postpartum meant, and I thought the more I took off her plate, the better she would feel—just the opposite. That led to a distancing of emotions. The more I took, the more she felt unwanted and abandoned.
I never intended to hurt my wife. However, there are instances when, despite our best efforts, we cause our spouses to feel unnoticed, misunderstood, or abandoned. Here are 4 ways you might be abandoning your wife without realizing it.
1. Being an Ear, Not a Heart
All of us have been there nodding along as our thoughts wander off. Our wives do not seek for answers when they talk to us. Sometimes, they just need us to be present and truly listen. They don’t need us to go off and fix something. You probably prefer to tackle a tangible challenge because you can see the results. Yet, your spouse’s emotional cues that she is in need may be subtle. She might spend more time alone or bring up random topics about other couples.
Pick up on those cues, put the dishes down, look her in the eyes, and listen. Repeat what she said to hear her concerns out loud in your own voice and start practicing the art of “heart listening.” It’s not about the ears. It’s about making sure she feels seen and valued.
2. Dodging the Shared Load
However, it’s also possible that you aren’t putting in enough physical effort in your relationship. Do you recall when you said you would help out around the house or with the finances? You’re dropping the ball if you often side-step these promises.
It’s like when my daughter promises to clean her room but conveniently forgets. It’s frustrating, and it can be particularly frustrating for wives who work full-time. They may feel the strain of the “second shift,” having to handle all the domestic responsibilities after they get off work.
Ask and seek to understand her stress points. It’s not about splitting everything down the middle but ensuring she doesn’t feel alone. Also, share your stress points. I know many men who work this “second shift” and muscle through, never sharing the emotional weight it creates.
3. Pushing Her Needs to the Sidelines
It’s simple to ignore what our spouse needs in favor of our own goals and requirements. From simple gestures like choosing a movie she likes to more significant decisions like planning a vacation that caters to her interests, every act of prioritizing her showcases the love and respect you have for her.
Ignoring her needs or constantly putting yours first will make her feel like an afterthought rather than a priority and widen emotional distance between you two.
4. Neglecting Quality Time
When was the last time you and your spouse had a drink of wine and chatted without bringing up your children? How recently did you spend time with yourself? If you constantly find reasons to skip date nights, delay shared hobbies, or spend free hours with friends or on personal pursuits rather than with her, it sends a subtle message that she isn’t worth your time.
Shared experiences keep the spark alive and strengthen the bond in a marriage. Ignoring or delaying these moments can gradually create a chasm of emotional disconnect. So, cherish those moments, whether it’s by watching a sunset together, trying out a new recipe, or simply having a coffee chat on a lazy Sunday morning. In marriage, presence is more than just physical proximity; it’s emotional engagement.
