A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
“I want to open a f*cking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies,
“I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that a woman does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer,
“Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
There is no f*cking problem,” the man says.
“I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my f*cking money in this damn bank.”
“Oh…I see,” says the manager,
“And is this b!tch giving you a hard time sir…?”
An Old Man Has The Funniest Plan When He Tries To Guess A Young Woman’s Age
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, “I guess about 29.” ” Nope, I’m 47.”
Now, she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds,
“I am 47, but, thank you.”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands on your breasts. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”
He begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?” He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 47.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “Promise,” she says.
He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
Husband Wife Marriage Life Humor
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’
And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.’
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’
The Third-Grade Teacher Said To Little Johnny. This Is Super Funny.
The yoᴜпg coᴜple iпvited their ɑged pɑstor for Sᴜпdɑy diппer.
While they were iп the kitcheп prepɑriпg the meɑl, the miпister ɑsked their soп whɑt they were hɑviпg.
“Goɑt,” the little boy replied.
“Goɑt?” replied the stɑrtled pɑstor.
“Are yoᴜ sᴜre ɑboᴜt thɑt?”
“Yes,” sɑid the boy.
“Oп the drive bɑck from chᴜrch I heɑrd Mom sɑy to Dɑd, ‘Remember, we’re hɑviпg the old goɑt for diппer toпight.’ ”
Teacher Has Hilarious Reply When Asked Why Teachers Drink.
There is a group of people who have some problems that are very unique. These are the people who are responsible for shaping the next generation and how they handle things is going to make a difference in all of our futures. There are times, however, when all of their efforts fall flat and you just have to smile and hope for the best. That fact is clearly seen in these answers to last year’s GED exam. After you read them, you might just want to buy a ticket on the next rocket ship off of this rock.
The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds).
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A.. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Snappy Waitress Gets Outsmarted By Clever Senior
Far too often, many younger folks underestimate seniors. They think that just because people move and talk a little slower than they used to that, they are easy to push around. However, nothing can be further from the truth as many seniors have minds that are even sharper than when they were younger. However, every day people make the mistake of thinking that seniors are easy pickings only to learn a lesson in respect the hard way. In this joke, a waitress thinks she’s gotten the best of an older customer, little does she know that this “old” lady knows a thing or two about a thing or two!
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’
‘I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ said the waitress.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.
YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!
A Trucker Has The Hardest Time Trying To Explain His Order To A Blonde Waitress
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is… an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said.
“Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!”
LOL…
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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is… an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said.
“Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!”
LOL…
