Marriage is frequently a journey of navigating shared duties and finding common ground, but even minor behaviors can cause substantial conflict. What began as a quirky irritant has now escalated into a conflict, testing one man’s patience and the peace of their home.
He explained what was happening.
I (28M) have been married to my wife (F30) for two years and together for five. We were planning to start trying for a baby, but that was put on hold and may not happen anymore. My wife and I both work, and we make roughly the same amount and work approximately the same number of hours.
My wife and I used to have a chore system in which we just rock paper scissors-ed the calendar to schedule our days off. I believe we received a fair cut, but she got more dish days. I got most, if not all, of the laundry.
My wife despises doing the dishes. She hates it so much that she occasionally shuts down and cries when she sees them in the sink. Previously, when I noticed her weeping, I went to help her, switched chores for the day, calmed her down, and everything was OK.
But as I was doing this, I realized she was weeping on purpose, so I washed the dishes. I knew she was faking it because the moment I took over, her tears dried up and she’d go do something enjoyable that she enjoyed without a care in the world, laughing and smiling. There is no wind down like before.
As a result, we modified our dishes to “whoever makes the dish washes it” like toddlers, except for cooking. The cook didn’t have to wash the pots and pans because they did all the labor for supper (this was also her suggestion, which I was fine with).
This was working for a while until I realized my wife made a lot more dishes than me and didn’t want to wash them. I asked her when she meant to wash the dishes after I made dinner at her request, and she blew out. I did what she said, but I left the dishes. The next day, she inquired why the dishes weren’t done, and I told her it was because she hadn’t done them. This sparked a quarrel, and I washed them, but I wasn’t satisfied.
I do the most, if not all, of the laundry because she refuses to do it anymore, and I hate to wear unclean clothes. The only thing she needs to do with the laundry is place it in the basket. That is it. We have baskets for darks, colors, and whites. She insists on having her own basket for underwear and other items, so that is its own thing, which I handwash.
She has not been placing her clothing in the basket. At first, I picked up all of her clothes and washed them because it was no big problem, but when I saw her take her clothes off and simply leave them on the floor because “I always pick it up,” I decided to leave them there. She inquired why her clothes weren’t done, and I told her she hadn’t put them away, and she blew out at me. The same story.
This has recently come to a head with all of the fighting. My wife has been growing lazier and lazier to push back as a result of our conflicts, and at first I was doing all of her tasks in addition to working, then I had a “why am I even doing this?” moment and quit. On her days, the dishes were stacked up, her clothes were filthy, and crumbs could be found anywhere. On my days, everything was spotless.
To compensate for not doing her bit, she decided to simply start buying more dishes and clothes. I cannot tell you how frustrated I was by this. She was purchasing plastic spoons and forks, paper plates, Walmart t-shirts, and any other low-cost alternatives to the lovely ones she had at home. I just chose to toss them.
When she realized I was throwing her cheap alternatives, she exploded at me once more, and I raised my voice for the first time in our relationship. My voice is deep, and I’m a huge man, so this terrified her, which I regretted.
I quickly softened my tone and informed her that she wasn’t doing her part and was wasting money on unnecessary items when all she needed to do was clean up after herself and put her clothes in a basket. She cried, and no matter how many times I apologized, she said she doesn’t feel safe with me and that we might be better off divorced. This devastated me.
The yelling was accidental. Nobody wants to hear the whole story, which makes me feel isolated and a little crazy. My female pals are either staying out of it or supporting her. I’ve been losing friendships. I feel like a jerk right now.
Was I wrong? All I wanted was for her to pick up after herself. I had never hurt her, and I had never yelled at her before, which I regret. I didn’t mean to terrify her; I was simply so upset because this had been building for months. I understand that throwing away the disposables was probably immature, and that I should have simply cleaned up after her, but I was frustrated.
