Our reader, Frank, 38, shared with us his story and asked the online community for the advice.
Frank and his wife, Kelly, both have kids from their previous relationship.
My wife Kelly, 35, and I have been married for 3 years now. For both of us, this marriage is not the first one. Kelly went through a lot in her life with her ex and she had hardly recovered from a very painful divorce when we met. She has a daughter, Emily, who’s 6 years old and the girl lives with us. Kelly’s ex-husband is not in the picture and he hasn’t shown any interest in Emily for many years now. Unlike Kelly, I have a very civil and moderate relationship with my ex. We separated 4 years ago and our breakup was a mutual decision. It went without scandals and fights and we’re friends with my ex-wife, Rosa.
We have 2 sons together with my ex and they’re 8 and 10. They live with my ex and I pay child support according to our mutual agreement.
Everything was more or less organized in my new family until my ex lost her job and was left with a low budget for raising our kids. Here’s when the situation in my new family became unhealthy
Frank started noticing an unequal attitude from the side of Kelly toward the kids.
The financial situation in my new family has always been somewhat distressing. Kelly is an entrepreneur and she runs her own small but very successful business, earning three times more than I do. I am a middle-chain manager in a small law firm and my earnings are enough for my and my kids’ needs, but unfortunately, I can’t afford any extra expenses at the moment.
Provided that my ex lost her job, I am expected to take even more financial responsibility towards my sons, and I’m ok with this fact. But recently, I started noticing something from the side of my wife that makes me angry and frustrated.
The thing is that I honestly feel that Kelly is consciously discriminating my kids in favor of her daughter and she refuses to treat all kids equally.
Frank is mad because of the huge injustice in his family.
Kelly is always spending enormous amounts of money on her daughter. She buys her tons of unnecessary stuff like designer clothes, expensive accessories, and gadgets, pays for Emily’s education in a private school, and hires private tutors for her daughter’s lessons in music and languages. I honestly feel that the 6-year-old is getting too much for her age, she spoils her daughter immensely and it seems like Kelly lives and works with only one purpose, which is giving her kid not only the very much needed basics but also spoiling her to the core.
At the same time, my wife is negative about spending an extra dollar on my kids. She knows that the financial situation of my ex doesn’t allow her to spoil them and both me and my ex can afford only buying them necessities for their life and studies, nothing extra.
Kelly has tons of money and she’s aware of what my boys are dreaming of, but she never buys them presents or anything. I have a feeling that my kids just don’t exist for her.
Frank confronted Kelly about the big problem, and her reply shocked him.
I approached Kelly recently and said that we needed to talk. I told her that I was mad because of her attitude towards my kids and I asked her to be more involved with my boys. I explained that they have their birthdays soon and I’d love to have her assistance in buying them nice presents. Kelly listened to me and her reply was something that made me question my whole relationship with this heartless woman.
She said aggressively that my kids have both parents. Her point of view was that she couldn’t be responsible for my ex’s tough financial situation and that I was the person who must’ve taken the whole responsibility for my kids’ needs. Kelly said that I mustn’t get her involved in my family troubles and that I shouldn’t whine about my problems. This shocked me to the core because I thought we were a family now and all problems that have been arising during this time were our common problems. But seems like Kelly doesn’t think so, and I’m seriously questioning her attitude towards me, too.
This woman used to say that she loved me and that she would be with me in my toughest times, but now that I’m going through my lowest moments she’s just refusing to help me and keeps buying all that stuff for Emily.
I feel like my kids are deprived of joy in their lives and I sincerely believe that Kelly is to blame for her lack of empathy about this. I want to move out for some time now and to think things over before I ever talk to her again. What should I do about this conflict?
